I have always wondered, if the magical charm that falling in love brings, happens to be the only thing that makes it so enduring and so fulfilling. More than often I have disagreed to this view and have always had this belief that the beauty of love isn’t just about the degree of selflessness that it involves, but also about the immense capacity it provides us over the lives of those we love. Loving takes us to position where we can hurt people infinitely and influence their lives greatly, and this contributes equally towards making this emotion magical.
But unlike the pain that we cause to a lot of people we don’t love, hurting someone we love is not sadistic. I’d call it masochistic because deep down we realize that by hurting our loved ones, we too are suffering. So, the measure of how much we love somebody isn’t just about how happy we can make that person feel, but also about how much we really suffer when we hurt that someone.
Why does this happen. Why do we quintessentially hurt our loved ones when we know we too will suffer in turn? Freud summarized it beautifully. According to him, along with pleasure, Pain also happens to be a human need. Pleasure in life can’t exist in vacuum. In our eternal pursuit to seek pleasure, we are subconsciously seeking some pain too. And this isn’t because we like pain, but because the presence of some pain in life determines the degree to which we seek pleasure. It acts a totem around which we base our happiness.
Falling in love is similar in characteristic. When in love, we surrender our lives to the ones we love and entrust them with an ability to hurt us. We surrender in faith, knowing that we’ll be hurt but we can’t help but surrender. I feel that, if we have a deep sense of love for someone, we will not only feel an immense bliss in making that person happy, but also an excruciating pain in hurting the same. Loving to just make someone happy isn’t a strong proposition for an eternal love. There’s nothing to cement the relationship once our desire to make that person happy, wanes. However, if we suffer terribly when we are hurting our loved one, we know we can’t run away because we are in an immense pain.
So, judge not how much you love somebody by how much you like to see that person smile, but by how much you suffer when you see that person in pain. That, in my view will foster a better bond for a truly magical love and the right enamel for a lasting relationship.
"असीम हो ये आसमान चाहे, छोटी सी मेरी ख्वाहिश मगर, खुशियाँ तुझे इस जहाँ की सारी, न भी कभी दे सका अगर; सोच बराबर अपनी, बस एक मोहब्बत तुझे दे सकूं, गम तेरे जीवन के सारे, काश कभी मैं ले सकूं. "
Sometimes in my life, I pass through a day, When I have nothing to feel and nothing to say; All I want then, is to have you by my side, And let my eyes speak and have nothing to hide.
Progress would have been tough, Had it not for you; Living would have been rough, Without you to speak my heart to.
I know not what my desire from life is, But one is to make you grant me a wish; A wish to never let me leave you and go, And a wish to hug me when I am down and low.
All my life, I felt, I could walk alone, Whatever the way was, I could still get to home; Only do I know now, that I was always on the wrong way, And then you held my hand, and showed where the truth lay.
Now that we vouch to walk together, Through a rough path and through a rough weather; Oh my angel! Let me make a wish, I’ll hold your hand forever, and that’s a promise.
-----Here's something that I feel like singing for you angel-----
So much has happened in my life since I penned my last blog. The treacherous first term is over, the dreaded summer placements are done (for me at least) and I have gotten so so much close to ‘Angel’. All these events were so engrossing and deserved an entry of their own into my blog but either I am eternally penurious for time or I have been spending a little too much of my time with ‘Angel’.
But first things first. I am now one term old in the famed Indian B-school campus. Life has moved through a complete ‘Roller Coaster’ ride in the last three months. A lot of learning, discovering a few great companionships, a few heart breaks and a lot of sleepless nights. That is how I sum up my first term. And to top it all, coming across ‘Angel’. This has been my single biggest achievement in the last 3 months, and I can proudly say that as an answer to any similar question in any of the interviews I might face.
The first term ended with a break of a few days. Everybody went home. Not me…. Not me….. I was here in the campus. With Angel, spending the most beautiful 3 days of my life in ages. I got so close to her and now know her so much better. I got to understand my vulnerability when I am with her and got to get so much of her love. CHERUBIC were the days. Thank you God for those blissful times.
Those blissful few days were followed by the Hellenic rigor. The Summer Placements were on. Tiring days, tens of GDs and interviews, much heartbreak, moments of self-doubt and of guilt, spurs of frustration and irritation, consoling friends and the final exuberance. We had it all and came out alive and kicking. More than the realization of being placed , the feeling of keeping sane amidst the chaos entices me. What did I gain in the end? A summer job wasn’t the only thing. There was so much more. The zeal to fight. The nerve to remain sober. The ability to stand along with my friends. The realization that even the best may fail. Everything in those two days made me learn. It was a true display of a sense of character. I definitely know now, that a job wasn’t the real thing I earned. What I earned was strength to fight, the patience to trust in my abilities and the zeal to remain by the side of someone who has entrusted my dreams into me. I got to know, how I could behave in such tiring times. I shouted at Angel on several occasions. Partly in my own frustration and partly because I genuinely felt so. And she bore it all. Heard me patiently. Agreed to me even though she knew I was wrong and kept her sane more than me, displaying a truly angelic character. This is precisely why I know she completes me. I know my behavioral shortcomings and know precisely how she’ll fit in. I might act tough, but am not. I have my own idiosyncrasies and my own vulnerabilities. She can take care of both.
Thank you ‘Angel’ for bearing with me and thank you for trusting me. I feel am evolving into a more matured and a better human being because of you. I realize that there are so many things we got to improve about ourselves but together we’ll take care of that. This passion to learn, to be empathic towards each other and the sense of admiration more than love, that we have developed for each other will definitely take us places. Just keep up the faith in your abilities. You have known already that you are worth what you dream of and more of that is yet to come, as the time unfolds right in front of you. Even if things aren’t that good, we might at least have the company to cry and to crib, like we have been doing eternally………but whatever happens the motto remains…..TOGETHER WE ROCK!!!
Lately I’ve been hired for a job and what a job it is. I love my work, love being consumed by it and have a blissful sense of fulfillment at the end of it. And yeah, I definitely get paid handsomely for it. Her highness walked into my life like a miracle and showered some soothing relief on this vagabond heart. Now I have a job……WOW……I look forward to some fixed remuneration everyday and savor the variable component that comes regularly. Nothing to say of the surprise bonuses that her highness bestows on me quite unexpectedly. My language skills are still nascent to describe them. Yesterday was such a bonus day. Her highness knocked the ground beneath my feet and sent a chill down my spine. An unexpected offering that dropped into my world like some heavenly alms. I was bemused, frozen and spellbound. It felt like an epiphany and seemed like an eternity. Your Highness! You have showered my life with everything I had never expected and everything that I had always desired.
I am under an immense sense of gratitude and love for you and I want to tell you that working for you mean a world to me. It lightens my very spirit and gives me a high that has an infinite hangover. The world may change tomorrow or the winds might die, but the pleasure of working to make your world more beautiful and your dreams more real will never fade away.
You are my world, my dream and the reason of my happiness. My world is a perfect vacuum without your presence and my life’s a void. Just grant me a space in your world and let me get over all your sorrows. I promise to work with a dedication that’ll grow every day and a trust that’ll never wane.
Just let me into your life and usher a miracle in my life. I want to live a dream with you and imagine a world that’s very beautiful. Just let me rebuild your world with all the bliss in the cosmos. Just let me lie in your arms, let me whisper in your ears and let me take you on a ride to the edgeless corners of my imagination. Just sit beside me and let me dream of you and let me realize that loving you is the most beautiful emotion in the world.
I’ll never forget the lovely bonus I got the other day. It lightened my spirit and as a gratitude to your generosity, I would love to sing you the following lines.
“It felt like the morning breeze, And felt like a tickling tease; It felt like the first rain, And felt like a world to gain.
It felt like a moonlit night, And felt like a candle light; It felt like a walk on the beach, And felt like a heaven I could reach.
It felt like the hill snow, And felt like a rainbow; It felt like sailing across a lake, And felt like a chocolate rich cake.
It felt like flying in the sky, And felt like a fine wine high; It felt like a walk together, And felt like a dream forever.
It felt like the first love, And felt like a piquant clove; It felt like a rolling cascade, And felt like the banyan shade.
It felt like the fragrance of your hairs, And felt like a million years; It felt like the warmth of your touch, And felt like a love so much.
It felt like your beautiful eyes, And felt like the sound of your sighs; It felt like the whisper in my ears, And felt like I had nothing to fear.
It felt like loving forever, And felt like I’ll forget you never; It felt like losing sanity, And felt like wishing eternity.
It felt like a sleep in your arms, And felt like your evergreen charms; It felt like I’ll hurt you never, And felt like a kiss forever."
We drank…We drank….and we drank. We danced…..We danced….and we danced. We lived…..We lived…..and we lived.
That’s how I sum up our ‘Reverse Fresher’s ‘party. Life here at IIFT is always on the edge. Sleep’s a luxury and browsing through books is a loafer’s job. You end up your day thinking how you didn’t do anything, yet didn’t get time to sleep. Sleeplessness is just one facet. The other prominent ones are helplessness, desperation, frustration and an amazing attitude of eternal cribbing that everybody around has quintessentially acquired .The irony however is, we are loving it. Sleeplessness becomes a reason for an escape from the mundane lectures, Helplessness gets you a reason to share the pains of royally screwing up exams, somebody’s desperation becomes someone else’s gossip masala and cribbing gets you to make lots of friends, as you are most likely to share this trait with the maximum people around.
So now, I ask, how does it feel to get a break? A break that lets you lose control and lets you channelize the IIFT facets into an unrestrained sense of loosing yourself. The answer is, it feels like the Desert Rain. Something that you can’t explain, nevertheless would always welcome. So that’s why the party was special. For me it was more so, owing to the reasons cited in the previous blog. So what did we do there? Hmmm….not so difficult to answer. Simply stated…we lived a life. I was enjoying being lost, dancing my soul out and making sure that I fixated my eyes on the object of my attention for the day and yeah I drank…..after a long hiatus….6 months to be precise….What was everyone else doing? How would a lost man know? But I think I can recollect something even out of my inebriated brain.
So I guess, the find of the party was my saintly, sober, sincere and serious roomie….the venerable Kedar Madhekar. And what a find he was. I was perplexed, surprised, bemused and what not. He drank, like there was no math test the next day and danced like he was auditioning for the next Telugu movie with ‘Jyothika’. Good job Buddy. You rocked. Hope to see you in similar flavors, the next time too.
The next in the line was the ‘Haryanwi Chora’. The angry young man….Praveen Chaudhary. Man! he came with a mission, and made sure that he lived to it. No testimonials required here. The pictures say it all. Others in the line were Harihar, with the liquor glass glued to his hands like they were made for each other….. Matta, making sure that he realized his ‘Grand Daddy’ image, going to everybody and asking if they got enough drinks ……Lohia, standing at the liquor corner, quietly sipping a peg or two, unawares that my prying eyes were scanning him…..Puneet, shifting from one dance group to the other, trying to live in several worlds together…..Teena, dancing with an energy that could fuel India’s energy needs for years…..Swati, defying her quintessentially academic image and striking it big on the floor…..Yukti, sometimes in, sometimes out, cursing me for mixing vodka in her drink, which I did not do….Geetika, effervescent as ever and chirpy like a canary……and yeah Neha, pretty as ever, a lil inebriated, dancing with her subtle moves and quintessentially drawing my attention.
These are some of the people I remember from the party. What a fun it was and what a time I had. For the first time I felt, I belonged to this place. For the first time it felt as if people don’t always mean business here but sometimes mean life too. I know it’s no big deal, but it didn’t feel that way. Am happy at the way things are going on in my life. Am happy at the way I am growing here. I am happy because I feel like being happy and that too is no big deal. I wish to see a similar day again….till then the motto is…..ROCK ON!!!!
I wish I could turn the tide of the time flowing, hold it in the safe havens of the folds of my palms and sneak a look at it whenever I wanted, but I know it’s just a wishful thinking. Time will fly and fly as if it doesn’t care. It’ll lend me that Hyena smile making me yearn for the beautiful days gone by and make me turn sides in my sleep missing those beautiful moments. How many times does it happen that we want to live a moment forever and live our lives as it was the only moment left? For me the first day of September was such a day. A day when I wished I were lost, I wished the time had stopped and wished whole my life was spent in searching my existence in her beautiful and dreamy eyes. A day when I wished to hold her hands, wished to gaze into her eyes for eternity, wished to hug her like there were no tomorrow and wished to take her to the stars, never to return again.
Hey! ‘Dreamy Eyes’ there’s some magical addiction about you. Though I feel sane and sober, yet I am addicted to you. I am addicted like a paranoid is addicted to his fears. I know I am addicted, but I can’t help. And I love this addiction. I love the feeling of being dependent on you. I love the way I feel like a child when I am with you and I love the way you have been firing my imagination and creativity. With my eyes closed, my heart silent, my dreams numb, my lips shivering, my mind calm and my words blank, I want to profess my love to you. I want to shout to the world that I am drunk in the madness of your love and I want to express my gratitude to you for trusting me, for holding my hands, for letting me wave your hairs and for that magical parting ‘Hug’, the feeling of which refuses to go away. Hey!! 1st September, I’ll never forget you.
Twisting the words of that lovely ‘GREENDAY’ song, my lines now become, “Wake me up when September begins”. Till then let me sleep, let me dream and let me realize that I am in love. And once again I have for you, like I always do some words that sprang out of the emotions you sowed into me. This one too for you, with “Arms wide open…..”
“Ab har aarzoo apni, tum se hi hai, Aur hai har muskaan tum hi se; Har subah ki roshni mein tum hi ho; Aur hai har shaam tum hi se.
Har hawa ke jhaunke mein hai teri khusboo, Aur har pehli baarish mein teri yaad; Har gujarte pal mein dhoondhta hoon teri aahat, Aur sunoon har mehfil mein teri baat.
Sochta hoon kabhi akele mein, Kyon mile mujhe tum is tarah; Phir yoon hi khayal sa aata hai kabhi, Shayad hogi is aarzoo ki bhi kuch wazah.
Kyon chalta raha akele hi mein itne din, Kyon har mod pe dhoondhi maine khamoshi; Shayad tere aane ki tammana thi mujhe, Ya phir thi ye tere intezaar ki madhoshi.
Ab jab tumhein dekhta hoon itne kareeb, Kuch anjaani si jhijhak mehsoos hoti hai; Dil toh bahut karta hai kuch kehne ko, Par lafzoon ki kamin se mehsoos hoti hai.
Darta bhi hoon apni is aarzoo se, Aur chahata bhi hoon ek zindagi tere saath; Ehsaas hai mujhe ki kho bhi sakti hai yeh aarzoo, Aur choot bhi sakta hai is bheed mein tera haath.
Agar kal tum chale jaaoge kisi or, Yeh zindagi bikhar si jaayegi; Sapne toh phir bhi hoon shayad mere paas, Par un sapnoon ki aarzoo chali jaayegi….. Un sapnoon ki aarzoo chali jaayegi…..
These are some of those fecund times when I just wish to write and write and write….to my heart’s content. Creativity just seems to flow in and am enjoying floating with my thoughts. I wish I had some more time to reflect back and contemplate…..nevertheless life’s good! Here’s a few more of my random musings, all for you.
“The last night I had a dream, And what a dream it was; Saw you soaring high in the sky, And working for your dream’s cause.
Saw the world vanish below you, And so many wishing to catch up to; I saw you crossing a million miles, And blessing my world with a pitch of smiles.
I woke up the next morning, a happy soul And spent the day in searching my goal; A goal to help you reach those highs, And to share your smiles and sighs.
People will come and people will go, And for every hundred highs, there will be a low; Keep Walking, is all I wish to say, On the edge of glory, does lie your way.
Let your eyes twinkle, even on a tough call, You might be the lone fighter, but I know you’ll stand tall; Sometimes when this life gets tough on you, I wish to be the man you can look up to??? This one for you, with love forever.....
Here are a few blogs which I love reading for the information and entertainment they provide. Am in the process of discovering a few more of similar ones....
" To walk when progress seems futile, And to love when I know it can be lost; To live when I am down everyday, And to loose what I have loved the most; Oh my friend I wish you knew how much I need you."
Sometimes in life, I have received things so unexpectedly, that I find it impossible to sum up the feeling in words. One moment it feels as if, it was never for me and the other moment, I realize that it had always been waiting out there for me to walk over it. How do I react to it? How do I express my happiness and gratitude for it? How do I know that sometimes life will be far more kinder to me than I can expect and how do I realize that there’ll be times when all I want from life is the love and affection of a single person.
Walking alone feels lonely sometimes. Not sharing a dream with someone makes it difficult to dream further. Not knowing that you have someone to look back to, when you are tired and defeated makes progress an onus and not realizing that you can help someone realize her dreams makes living seem futile. Sometimes life’s all about sharing, about understanding and about dreaming. Living just happens, and everything else just follows.
I am walking through a phase where ‘bliss’ is my buzzword. Everyday’s pain, struggle, defeats and ennui don’t seem to run me down and it’s because I feel I am sharing and dreaming. And am dreaming real big, for my world and for my life. Every time something pulls me back, I have a dream that propels me forward, and the feeling that I share that dream with someone is what makes dreaming all the way so beautiful.
I am writing this, because I feel a deep sense of admiration, gratitude and love for someone. A friend, co-dreamer, partner and philosopher (sophist) who has found a great faith in dreaming with me, listening to me and making me realize that I am worth what I think myself to be. This is to tell you buddy that you have been a truly amazing source of inspiration, calm and achievement. It feels great to sit with you, talk with you and share with you. This is again to tell you that, life would have been weirdly different without your company and support. Like you always say ‘one can only connect the dots looking backwards’, I realize now why sometimes one finds so much of purpose in life and why one feels that everything happens for a reason. I have a feeling for you which I don’t have a language to express, but will nevertheless try to make some sense of these weird feelings by turning through these pages and making myself read, what has been the loveliest thing I’ve read in ages. Thanks for everything and thanks for the beautiful gift below:
“When I have learned to live alone, When I have learned to withstand failures; When I have learned to live with problems, When I was walking on a nebulous path; Unsure of my destination, only carrying vague ambition.
A friend came in my life, and changed my life altogether, He changed problems to challenges; He changed short term plans to long term plans, He inspired me to dream; He inspired me to believe, He made me realize, my worth; He made me realize my potential, He admonished me to be sincere; And finally he admonished me to be patient.
And now when I join the dots backwards, I realize why I came here; I realize, why I had never ending problems, I realize why I was always confused.
How far we’ll be friends, I don’t know, But one thing I know; Every time he cares, every time he shares, Every time he’s cold and every time he scolds; Time is just beautiful.”
If I were to sing a song now, owing to how I feel about everything, it'll be this:
How I hope, to live a life, A life I have never seen; And how I feel I could take her away; In the best moonlit night ever been.
How I guess, it feels to flutter, Out into the open skies; And how I sense it feels to smell, Smell the moist air rise.
How I know, it feels to touch, A cup of tea in a cold night; And how I find the pleasure to hold, Hold her hand forever, so tight.
How I wish, it might be, to be lost, In an island far away; And how I sense it feels to hear, The word she would never say.
How I have seen the time fly by, Leaving me mired in my past; And how I have wished I could turn the tide, Sit by the shore and watch it last.
How I have wished, I could love her to eternity, Thinking of her, singing for her, yet wishing for more; And how I know I can wait till the heaven’s end, Dying to see her return to my shore. --------KAMJOSH
This thundering 'Kempty Falls' makes me feel like a poet and I wonder if I could ever write a song like this for you.
“Kuch aashayein hain, aur kuch armaan bhi, Hai kuch gila sa bhi, aur kuch muskaan bhi; Door tak ki aarzoo hai, hai kuch thakaan bhi, Kuch zamin ki tamanna hai, chahata hoon kuch aasmaan bhi.”
Cheers!!!! , for stepping into the silver jubilee year of roaming on this planet. Twenty four years gone and nobody knows how many more to go. Life’s crawling quietly, sometimes in the shade, sometimes in the sun, leaving a wrinkle on the face every 365 days. Sometimes it gives a flair of hope and sometimes a cloud of gloom. Am tasting all flavors of life.
Why am I thinking all this today. The last time I knew I did this was on my 18th birthday. On both occasions I was all by myself and what better to kill loneliness than talking to oneself. So I am reflecting upon how my world and my life has changed all these years. I am growing and am growing for sure. I can feel the sense of difference accumulating with every passing year. I had read in economics that the total utility derived out of anything decreases with each additional unit of that thing consumed. Life like a few other things doesn’t follow this principle. The more I have lived, the more the desire to live grows. Every passing day brings forth, things I had never thought of and the knowledge of these things brings forth the desire to achieve things I had never achieved. That’s the beauty of living. Every experience adds that unique value to life. If it’s good, we want more of it, and if it’s bad we want to live to see the better of it. In both ways, we want to live and want to live more.
So I think I am growing and here’s how I know this. This sense of growing up comes when I compare on the way I looked at myself and my world on my 18th birthday and the way I do so now. This is how I feel I have evolved in my own world over these years:
1. I spend more time today on trying to know what I should do with my life rather than knowing what others (even my parents) expect me to do with my life.
2. I vaguely understand now, that there’ll always be things I won’t be able to do and there’ll be things I’ll outsmart others in. So competing isn’t that great a motivation now, but learning is. I am afraid of this because so many people around me seem to be driven by competition and so few of them understand that my interactions with them are to better myself and not to better them. Nevertheless I know that in long term I’ll be proven right.
3. I have read more than a 100 books since my 18th birthday, but it’s sad that, it’s the only worthwhile thing I have done since then.
4. I have a better control over my emotions today. I am more forgiving, less jealous, more cooperative, more empathic, less impulsive and more rational now.
5. Now I can talk with a woman, looking into her eyes all the time and not shift my attention to her legs. This makes me feel happy about myself as I feel I’ve made a successful transition from boyhood to manhood.
6. There has been a tremendous change in the kind of music I hear. From liking the typical hip-hop and Punjabi music, I have shifted to listening to soft and romantic music most of the time. Though occasionally I hear the hip-hop too.
7. I realize now that to stay happy, having a few great friends is far-far better than having a lot of great friends. Though this might be applicable to me only.
8. Till a few years ago, I wondered how a man can spend his entire life with the same woman. Men by nature are promiscuous. Today I feel I can do the same. I think I can love and care for the same women for whole my life. Have I gained maturity or is it some kind of Inertia that I have developed?
9. I realize that the greatest source of my motivation is ‘dreaming’. I dream and I dream like crazy. Every time I am down and out, I dream and that does the trick for me. I know, not all of that I dream would get real, but that definitely helps.
It’s not that everything has changed with me. There are so many things that are still the way they were a couple of years ago. Some of them that I can trace are: 1. I can’t stop myself from hating a few people. However hard I try to reverse my position, I’ll still end up hating them.
2. I still can’t appreciate people if I think they don’t deserve it. I still find it difficult to get impressed by someone easily. I guess in the career that I intend to follow soon; this is the first thing I need to change.
3. ‘Knowledge’ and ‘Charisma’ are still the greatest turn on for me. I find it hard to resist ‘Knowledgeable’ and ‘charismatic’ people. ‘Intelligence’ and ‘broad mindedness’ are still the most important traits I search for, in people I meet.
4. I still lend advice to only the closest people. My trust in ‘information asymmetry leading to competitive advantage’ is still as strong as it was and that’s precisely the reason I don’t frequently divulge what I know. I am slowly trying to get over this.
5. For me ‘Drew Barrymore’ is still the prettiest woman in the world and am glad to see her gain great maturity since the day I watched her first movie.
6. I am still very sad and hopeless about the state of affairs in the country and I still believe that our extreme demography will never turn out to be a boom but will one day lead to the breakdown of the social fabric. Population is the last thing this country needs and nobody seems to address that.
7. I still sometimes give twenty rupees to a kid begging without thinking why I did so and have successfully influenced two of my closest friends in following this trade of loosing fortune.
8. I still prefer reading a good book to attending classes, prefer talking with a friend to reading a good book and prefer going on a trip to everything else I can do.
9. I still write things on a loose sheet of paper, force my friends to read them and ultimately loose the paper without saving what I wrote.
10. I am still possessive about the things I love. Have tried hard to overcome this but unsuccessfully. I guess for once I got to trust what horoscopes read. Nevertheless I won’t mind to keep this vice. Why should I strive for all the virtues?
That’s how the big picture of my life has changed and has stayed the same. I have gained and have lost equally. Have met some terribly great people, learnt some equally amazing things, lost some great moments I wished never to loose and have understood myself and my desires better. I have made a resolution to live my life in my own terms but have also learnt to compromise where I can’t change things. I have learnt to find comfort in comforting others and have understood that expectations destroy the purpose of generosity. I know that whatever I do, I’ll always have vices and have learnt to love them. As the 25th year of my life begins tomorrow, I know nothing will change substantially. Things will be the way they have always been. But the spirit will definitely change. My aspirations, desires, dreams and misgivings will definitely change. My attitude towards my life will definitely change and that’s what propels me to move on in the pursuit of happiness. In the pursuit of a life ‘less ordinary’.
Here's a song dedicated to 'Myself' on living through one more year
Watching the rain splash by my window, and feeling the wind brush past my hairs; Listening to the music of the falling rains, and feeling them melt into my ears; I lie here on my comfort couch Thinking about you.
Dreaming under the setting sun, and watching the birds fly back to the trees; Missing the moments spent in missing; and gathering the images this heart sees; I'll wait alone at the end of my world Thinking about you. Realizing the ways I had hurt you, and feeling the pain I suffered thereby; Watching those moments curse me in agony, and letting this poor and lonely heart cry; I wish I could die in your arms Thinking about you.
Wishing I could take you along, and knowing it can never be; Praying I could borrow your eyes, granting me your way to see; I wish I had lived forever Thinking about you.
Singing the joys of moments spent along, and hoping a million lives with you; Sighing over the days that are no long, and wishing you always to make my love to; I know I'll live a million lives Thinking about you ----KAMJOSH Doesn't this song say it all:
I have always marveled at nature's ingenuity in the ways she manifests herself, and the one that completely amuses me is the way she can foster relationships and affinities between creatures and milieus. The way relationships between things begin and blossom look so beautiful that it brings a smile to our face when we think about it in retrospect. The endless romance that ensues adds a new meaning to life and opens up a train of events that wouldn't have taken place otherwise. I have always had this belief that life is the sum total of all the experiences we have in our lives and these experiences are the product of the environment we live and grow in. An environment that at first seems a strange and weird place, soon becomes a part of life, a progenitor of newer emotions and a lease of newer life. It feels like life would have been weirdly different and would have meant weirdly insane without it. We belong to this milieu. We have fond impressions on our life from it. We miss it and want to relive it and find a part of our life quietly ensconced in it. Even if the memories are not fond , they look beautiful in retrospect and help us love the ways in which life has become better now. All this is where life's meaning rests i.e. In the pursuit of living, loving, missing and knowing. I feel nostalgic today, because in a few days time I'll have to leave this wonderful city called PUNE where I spent the 6 best years of my life. The richness of experience, the fondness of memories, the spat of independence and the density of friends that I received here is matchless. From being a school kid to stepping on the pedestal of manhood, life grew to a new level here. When I think about the time I spent here , I can visualize the million ways I have grown and enriched myself. Though the enrichment has been panoramic but I won't spare words here on that front and would like to restrict myself to the way I have felt about this city and its people. To begin with, PUNE unlike a lot of other growing cities in India is sane. It's core tightly wrapped up in it's tradition with everything else growing outside. One can see and visit the parts of city with exclusively pre-liberalization kind of shops, houses and restaurants and can find them bustling with activity that can rival the ultra big malls. In comparison, Mumbai which is Pune's close associate in location has been following the 'single lane' path to modernity with its old cultural heritage and setup dying slowly. The liberalization change that has swept across some of the biggest cities in the country can be felt here in Pune too. The growing number of residential areas with big shopping complexes , multiplexes, restaurants and theme parks is a testimony to the rapidity with which the liberalization change is taking roots in this city, but this change is not replacing what already existed or maybe the rate of such a replacement isn't obvious. There are still parts of cities where one can foster an acquaintance with the 'bazaar' culture that existed long back and that now happens to survive only in the inner cities of the country. It is enchanting to know that the girls in my college who like all teenagers happen to be children of the liberalization age shop all their stuff from up market malls but throng to the likes of 'lakshmi road' whenever they have to shop for saris and similar stuff .This suburban marketplace called 'Lakshmi Road' reminds me of what markets in India were actually like when i was growing up.
Another unmatched USP that Pune has is its geographical location. Being in the valley and being surrounded by hills gives it a pleasant climate, where the hot summers are cooled away by an eternal breeze flowing down the valley and winters aren't cold because of the close proximity to coastal region.( I remember how during college days, all we friends used to sit in the college lawns on all cool summer evenings sipping the canteen tea, watching the setting sun and gossiping about the girls passing us). What is absolutely enchanting are the rains here. This season lasts for around four months and I can never seem to get enough of it. The beauty of the first rain can't be described . The earthly smell conjures up so many things in the mind and the heart that one just feels like sitting by the window for eternity and hear the thundering clouds, feel the rain drops, pushed in by the gushing wind hit against one's face and miss the days when life was absolutely blissful. A warm cup of tea or coffee will just do the unthinkable. Add to this the absolutely lovable places around Pune (read lonavala, khandala and mahabaleshwar) which are at their beauty best during the rains. The fast and furious approach to cater to the huge demands of this expanding city has definitely robbed it of it's pristine beauty. No more can I see the clouds meander over the distant hills(the concrete jungle stands in between), the roads aren't liberal enough to allow a joy bike ride after Saturday night parties, parks are no longer the quiet and serene habitats to sit and relax and all traffic 'signal stops' give you the grim view of the poverty and destitution that has become a part of the big city life. Pune is by no means a big city by normal standards, but it's a fast growing city and it's growing real fast. The mass migration of people from surrounding parts and migration of skilled labor from all over the country has started to take a toll on this city. The roads are quintessentially blocked , the restaurants crowded , the parks noisy and the late night strolls risky. I fear that this lovely city might lose its reputation for being clean, safe and serene city recognized all over the country as the city for retired people. When I came here for the first time, I found out instantaneously why it was called so. Where else would one find the glamour of a big city and the romance of a rustic town. When I was in college , we friends spent innumerable hours wetting ourselves in the rain, munching the quintessential 'Bhutta' and watching the gushing 'Mula-Mutha' waters from over the top of a bridge. There were countless nights spent partying at some great but cheap restaurants and strolling around the vacant roads. This city was small in expense then. Traversing from one end to the other took just 1 hour, so every place seemed like home, but slowly as the time crawls on, I have started feeling to be lost at times.Summing up my feelings here is helplessly painful, but to keep things short, some of attractions of this place that will be close to my heart for long are as follows: 1) The pleasure of staying in a hostel, quite far from the city centre. Borrowing a bike from a friend and travelling miles to attend a birthday treat was absolutely awesome.
2) The pleasure of wetting myself completely in the incessant rains before reaching the classes to attend lectures and reaching a restaurant , completely drenched in water and mud and the waiter seeming to have got used to such things.
3) The infinite restaurants and eating joints spread everywhere across the city and catering to all kinds of pockets. I have loved places like 'Riverview', 'Basho's', 'Coffee House', 'The Place' and innumerable others
4) Sher-e-Punjab at Kasarwadi. This restaurant always deserves a special mention. All our college parties were organized here. We had a discount offer here and the food,ooooohhhh!!! It was truly Punjabi.
5) The inner Pune. This is where true and original pune resides. The 'Wadas' and the 'Peths' are some of the oldest city places in the country. Some of them date back to 1st century AD to the reign of the 'Rashtrakutas'. Local language around this part is completely 'Marathi' though 'Hindi' is invariably used at the other parts of the city. It's amazing to see how this part has managed to survive the onslaught of modernization. We have some of the oldest temples and some of the busiest markets here. It's empathic to feel how certain things withstand changes for so long.
6) The 'Ganeshotsav' festival. This legendary festival was founded here around a century ago. To know why it's legendary, one has to see it. The carnival that is an integral part of this festival is mammoth in scale . The roads get clogged, offices get closed and it's 'Pandals' everywhere. Though I have never been a part of this Carnival owing to my fear of crowd, but it's worth everything to be a part of this iconic gathering.
7) The 'MG' and the 'JM' road. They are the heart and soul of the up market Pune. Crowded to the inch and teeming with trendy and hip-hop college people. It also hosts some of the finest shops and eateries in Pune. The 'Sambhaji Park' around JM is a great place to spend evenings at, though it gets crowded on weekends. Just along the park is an old and acclaimed theater 'Bal Gandharv' and for people with a knack for 'Marathi' literature and theatrics, this is the place to be.
8) Next is the famed 'University Campus' and the spacious grounds around the 'Fergusson College'. Fergusson has arguably the biggest campus and it's absolutely serene. Large trees and lush greenery, it's a paradise place for evening strolls. I have fond memories of spending many evenings, walking around this place. University campus is a little more busy place. It's vast and quite green but I preferred not to be around this place during my college days, owing to the notoriety (it's tough grading scheme)this place had nurtured in college circles.
9) The last but equally lovely places are the hill stations surrounding Pune.They might not be like the mighty Himalayas or the magnificent Alps but are breathtaking, particularly during the rainy season. 'Lonavala' and 'Khandala' are just stone’s throw from Pune and almost every Puneite has been to these places. 'July' and 'August' are the best seasons to visit. A bike or car ride should be preferred. Every time I have been to 'Lonavala', I have loved the place. Some great memories are associated with it.
These are all the lovely places ingrained deep in my heart and mind. Pune for me has been more than just Pune. It has been a companion in all kind of times that I have seen in the last 6 years. It has become a part of my lifestyle and my thought processes.I might be leaving it for some time but I know my life will bring me here quite a few times. Pune is changing and I am not happy with it. Like a small kid who snivels when her stuffs change, I too feel sad when this city moves away from it's rut. I know its cynical but I like being cynical. There's bliss in this madness, but then I realize that the Pune I miss will always remain the Pune I loved. Pune might change but the Pune I miss won't, and that's precisely the madness in missing.
---The beautiful old hindi song "Mein Zindagi ka saath nibhata chala gaya" is what can personify me completely---I am a wanderer at heart who never wants to know or arrive at his destiny....That's how I have found myself after years of searching
